Steve and Harry have been recording and presenting on stage hundreds of jokes for what seems like hundreds of years.
But don't be fooled, these are serious artists, doing serious work, who are in serious trouble.

One more note; Steve performs for adults as well as kids and what's appropriate for one place may not be appropriate for another (believe me, Steve has learned that the hard way). For instance, Steve and Harry's school show is squeaky clean. Some of these jokes are a wee bit too strong for a school assembly and therefore are avoided.


If you have a funny joke, email Steve. It might become the Joke of the Day!         

 
A Rabbi, A Priest and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender says:
"What is this some kind of joke?"


A Malaysian, a Cambodian and a Vietnamese walk into a bar. The bartender says:
"You can't come in here without a Thai".

Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?
Because if they lifted both legs, they'd fall down.


Steve: What did the zero say to the eight?
Harry: Nice belt!

Steve: What did the zero say to the eight?
Harry: What's that on your head?


A B-flat, a D-flat, and an F walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve minors here.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a french kitchen?
Linoleum Blown-Apart


What's a mummy's favorite music?
Rap.

Why don't they allow elephants on the beach?
Because their trunks keep falling down.


Harry:Do you know the capital of Alaska?
    Steve:Juneau
Harry:Yea, I do, but I'm asking you.

Steve: Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?
Harry: Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight


Why do scuba diver jump backwards into the water?
Because if they went forwards, they would jump into the boat!


I'd rather go out with a perfect stranger than go on a blind date

I have the world's oldest globe...it's flat!

This is more fun than I've had since the hogs ate my sister


Comedy is my medium. I guess that makes me a comedium

She's so skinny when she wears a fur coat she looks like a pipe cleaner


I never drink water. Look at the way it rusts pipes.


I hadn't an accident with a magician the other day. But it wasn't my fault. He came out of nowhere.


I don't know much about  computers. I don't even know how to change the oil


Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty


I saw a weird sign the other day. Ears pierced while you wait.


I used to believe in reincarnation but that was in my last life.


What science won't think of next. They transplanted an eagle's stomach into a human's only last month.
His digestion is better but now he eats like a bird.


Harry: Did you hear about the alchoholic who had cirhossis of the liver. THey transplanted a salmon's liver to replace his own.
Steve: Is he any better?
Harry: No, now he's worse. He drinks like a fish.


Steve: You know some people see the glass half full and others see it as half empty
Harry: But you see it smashed on the ground with all the liquid evaporated and the chards of glass cutting into the person trying to clean it up.


Steve: What kind of waves do astronomers look at the stars with?
Harry: Radio waves. But I think it's a big mistake. They should be looking with TV waves



Steve: Describe what a thesaurus is
Harry: I never saw one, but I know they died a long time ago


Steve: Name three synthetic fibers.
Harry: Rayon, nylon and crayon



Steve: What animal has the highest intelligence?
Harry: The giraffe


Steve: Name three parts of an atom.
Harry: Neutrons, protons and croutons


Steve: Define what an island is.
Harry: It's a hole in the water that's dry.


Steve: How's school?
Harry: I'm having some trouble with my eagles.
Steve: What do you mean eagles?
Harry: You know two and two eagles four. Eight and eight eagles 16

2/14/11
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU SO WELL, IF I HAD A PEANUT
I'D GIVE YOU THE SHELL
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, JUST LIKE MY OWN KIN, IF I HAD AN ORANGE
I'D GIVE YOU THE SKIN
ROSES ARE RED AND VIOLETS ARE BLUE, IF I HAD A STAMP
I'D STICK MY TONGUE OUT AT YOU
LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I THINK, YOU'RE JUST LIKE A FLOWER
AND THAT'S WHY YOU STINK!


2/13/11
(In honor of Valentine's Day)
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Sugar is Sweet, And so are you
But the Roses are wilting, the Violets are dead, the Sugar bowl's empty and so is your head


2/12/11
(In honor of Valentine's Day)
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in, to smell that way!

2/11/11
(In honor of Valentine's Day)
I love your smile, I love your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!


2/10/11
(In honor of Valentine's Day)
I thought that I could love no other
Until of course I met your brother


2/9/11
Harry: You wanna Hertz Donut?
Steve: What's that? Ouch! You just hit me!
Harry: Hurts don't it?


2/8/11
A male turkey and a male cat are both called Toms. I don't need that kind of confusion on thanksgiving.

2/7/11
I'm really not very good with computers. I don't even know how to change the oil

2/6/11
First sailor:(staring out at the ocean) Look at all that water!
Second sailor: I know. And that's just the top of it.

2/5/11
There was a gay guy from Australia and a lesbian from Italy who decided to get married and see if it could work.
But it didn't, so he went back to Sidney and she went back to Florence.

2/4/11
Steve: If you have a quarter in one hand, a quarter in the other, how many quarters do you have?
Harry: Three.
Steve: No Harry. Only two
Harry: But I also have one in my pocket.

2/3/11
Steve: If there were three birds on a fence, and a hunter shot one of them. How many would be left.
Harry: Two left
Steve: No Harry. Once that one bird was shot, the other two would have flown away
Harry: That's what I said. Two left!

2/2/11
Steve: How do you make holy water?
Harry: You boil the hell out of it.

2/1/11
Steve: What's a Jewish American princesses first words?
Harry: Gucci, gucci, gucci.


1/31/11
For young people, love is the hardest thing of all...especially in the backseat of a volkswagen


1/30/11
Love is sitting by a fire on Xmas eve with a loved one...while your husband and kids are out of town.


1/29/11
Love is staying up all night long with sick child...or a very healthy adult.

1/28/11
And never, never, never repeat yourself!

1/27/11
Steve: What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
Harry: The taste.

1/26/11
Steve:Time and tide wait for no man
Harry: I thought that was diarrhea?

1/25/11
Why pay a dollar for a bookmark when you can use the dollar AS a bookmark?

1/24/11
Dad: When I was in Africa I was once chased by 16 cannibals.
Kid: Last time you told me that, it was 8 cannibals.
Dad: I know but then you were still too young to know the whole horrible truth.

1/23/11
Harry: I came from a really tough neighborhood. Guys would walk into bars and order milk.
Steve: That's not so tough.
Harry: Yea, but they made sure the bartender served it in dirty glasses

1/22/11
Einstein's Lament
By Steve Charney

E we know is MC squared
But what is F? I find that weird
We don't know A, we don't know B
or C or D, we just know E

If Einstein really was so smart
You'd think he would have made a chart
Of all the letters and what they meant
Instead of proving light's just bent

But all he ever did was E
For this he got his PHD
I'm amazed at his success
The least he could have done was S

S equals what? No one knows
It could be something really gross
The more it makes me curious
The more he makes me furious

Oh sure they say that he's a genius
And next to him my brains the teeniest
Yet if he's so smart it should have been no sweat
To get us through the alphabet

He proved that space and time were one
Atomic energy, now that's fun!
And yet I can't say I'm impressed
E is M, now what's the rest!

01/21/11
I'd like to give you a piece of advice...never give anyone a piece of advice.

01/20/11
There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

01/19/11
Birthdays are nice...but too many of them can kill a person

01/18/11
Never, never, never repeat yourself

01/17/11
Light a man a fire and you keep him warm but for a day
But light a man ON fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life

1/16/11
Never drink and drive...you might hit a bump and spill it all over yourself

01/15/11
As George Burns once said, you know you're getting old when you bend down
to tie your shoe and you think "What else can I do while I'm down here?"


01/14/11
You know you're getting old when you need glasses...to put your teeth in.

01/13/11
Remember kids especially you boys...always aim high. So you don't wet your shoes.

01/12/11
Steve: My parents used to make me spend summers with my grandparents.
Harry: And you hate cemetaries!

01/11/11
Harry: Steve, are you well-off?
Steve: Not really, Harry.
Harry: Well then, you could say you're a...little off

01/10/11
Why should we care about future generation? I mean, what have they ever done for us?

01/06/11
Down the in the Valley
Valley so low
Hang your head over
And suck your big toe!

01/05/11
On top of Old Smokey
All covered with hair
Of course I'm referring to
Smokey the Bear!

01/04/11
(contributed by Yakov Levi)
Which kings were great at fractions?
Richard the Third and Henry the Eighth

01/03/11
Steve: Remember Harry, Time and Tide wait for no man
Harry: I thought that was diarrhea


12/27/10
(contributed by Yakov Levi)
Why did the cross-eyed teacher have to retire?
He couldn't control his pupils

12/25/10
Harry: Knock Knock
Steve: Who's there?
Harry: Mary
Steve: Mary who?
Harry: Mary Christmas!

12/24/10
Jingle Bells, Santa Smells, Rudolph ran away
Oh what fun it is to ride in a 4 door chevrolet!

12/23/10
Be kind to your children...someday they're going to be choosing your nursing home

12/22/10
Steve:How do you make holy water?
Harry: You boil the hell out of it.

12/21/10
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
Hop in.

12/20/10
Why are New Yorker's depressed?
They found out the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

12/16/10
Steve: Why do boys whine?
Harry: They're practicing to be men.

12/15/10
Steve: What did Michaelangelo say when he was asked to paint the Sistine Chapel?
Harry: What color do you want it?

12/14/10
Steve: What did the dyslexic rabbi say?
Harry: Yo!

12/13/10
Steve: Why did the blind man have a yellow leg?
Harry: His dog was blind too.

12/12/10
Steve: The Spanish Fireman named his first son Jose. What did he name his second son?
Harry: Hose B!

12/11/10
Steve: What did the blind man say when he was handed a cheese grater?
Harry: Most violent book I ever read.

12/10/10
Steve: What did the blind man say when he was handed a matzoh?
Harry: Who wrote this garbage?


12/8/10
Steve: Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?
Harry: The first telephone Pole

12/7/10
Steve: What's a jewish american princess's first words?
Harry: Gucci, Gucci, Gucci

12/6/10
Harry: I wish I had a quarter for every girl I've ever kissed.
Steve: What would you do with all that money?
Harry: I'd put a pack of gum.

12/5/10
Steve: Is that perfume you smell?
Harry: It is, and you do.

12/4/10
The last girlfriend I had was a perfect 36-24-36...and that was only her head!


12/2/10
Steve: What does a dog do on three legs that man does on two?
Harry: Shake hands.


12/1/10
Harry: You're good and funny looking!
Steve: What!
Harry: I mean you're funny and good looking.


11/23/10
Steve: What's heck?
Harry: It's where people go when they don't believe in gosh


11/22/10
Steve: What did the peepee gang say to the newest member?
Harry: Urine


11/21/10
Steve: What's yellow and goes click click?
Harry: A ballpoint banana



The following 10 riddles have the answers first. What's the question?

11/19/10
Answer: Chicken Teriyaki
Question: Name the only living Kamikaze pilot?


11/18/10
Answer: Toronto
Question: What does the Lone Ranger call his faithful companion, when he's drunk?


11/13/10
Answer: Freshman Sophmore Junior
Question: What did Freshman Sophomore Sr. name his son?

11/12/10
Answer: 9W
Question: Do you spell your name with a W, Mr. Wagner?


11/11/10
Answer:Elton John
Question: How is John Elton listed in the phonebook?

11/10/10
Answer: 8 o'clock
Question: What dya eat?

11/3/10
Answer: Go west
Question: What do wabbits do when they get tired wunning awound?


11/2/10
Answer: Mt. Everest, Mt. Mckinley, Mt Sinai
Question: Name two mountains and a hospital.

11/1/10
Answer: Can Can
Question: Where do you put the garbage garbage?


10/31/10
Answer: Washington Irving
Question: Who was the first president, Melvin?



10/30/10
Steve: Why do farts smell?
Harry: So deaf people can enjoy them too!


10/29/10
Steve: The spanish Fireman called his first kid Jose. What did he call his second kid?
    Harry: Hose B!


10/21/10
So I'm standing there wondering why this baseball is getting bigger and bigger...then it hit me.


10/20/10
Steve: Why is the sky so high?
Harry: So birds don't hit their head


10/19/10
Steve: What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from prison?
Harry: A small medium at large


10/18/10
Steve: What did the guy say when he ordered the turtle soup?
Harry: Make it snappy!


10/15/10
Steve: Where do sheep get their wool cut?
    Harry: At the baa-baa shop.


10/14/10
Steve: What's the difference between a mailbox and a toilet?
Harry: I don't know.
Steve: If you don't know I'm never going to ask you to mail my letters!


10/12/10
Steve: Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
Harry: Because he was dead.


10/11/10
Steve: What do you get if you cross a fish with an elephant?
    Harry: Swimming trunks

10/6/10
Steve: Harry, Parlez-vous francais?
Harry: Huh?
Steve: Parlez-vous francais?
Harry: Huh?
Steve: Do you speak French!
Harry: Of course I do, why didn't you just say so!



10/5/10
Steve: What did the 0 say to the 8?
Harry: What's that on your head?


10/4/10
Steve: What did the 0 say to the 8?
Harry: Nice belt!

10/3/10
If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't go to yours.

10/2/10
Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar AS a bookmark?


10/1/10
Who invented that brush they put near the toilet? Man, that thing hurts!


9/30/10
Steve: What did the blind man say when he was handed the matzoh?
Harry: Who wrote this garbage?

9/29/10
Steve: What did the blind man say when he was handed the cheese grater?
Harry: Most violent book I ever read.


9/28/10
Steve: What's green and sings?
Harry: Frank Snotra

9/27/10
Steve: Which month has 28 days in it?
Harry: They all do!

9/25/10
Steve: Why did they bury George Washington at Mount Vernon?
Harry: Because he was dead.


9/23/10
On top of Old Smokey
All covered with hair
Of course I'm referring
To Smokey the Bear


9/22/10
Steve: Why do Firemen have Dalmations?
Harry: To find the hydrants.

9/13/10
Steve: If the woodsman brings you a cord of wood one week and a cord of wood the second week how many do you have?
Harry: One and a half cords.
Steve: Harry, that's not right.
Harry: I know it isn't. But most of them do it anyway.


9/12/10
Steve: What did the guy say when he ordered the turtle soup?
Harry: Make it snappy!

9/9/10
Harry: The meanest animal in the world is the two headed platypus. It has a head on one end and a head on the other.
Steve: If it has a head on one end and a head on the other, how does it go to the bathroom?
Harry: It doesn't. That's why it's so mean!


9/8/10
Harry: Soap, Soap, Soap, Soap!
Steve: What are you doing?
Harry: I'm just singing a few bars.

9/8/10
Steve: What do you call a something with ten legs, two heads and two noses?
Harry: Ugly!

9/7/10
Steve: What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
Harry: An elephant with diarrhea.

8/28/10
A palindrome reads the same forwards as backwards. This is the coolest one I know besides "Yo Banana Boy!"

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel and Ellen sinned.

8/28/10
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

8/27/10

8/26/10
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but when asking where the bathroom is they don't point to their pants?


8/25/10
Steve: If I gave you two apples, four bananas and three peaches what would you have?
Harry: A stomachache!

8/25/10
Steve: What did the zero say to the eight?
Harry: What's that on your head?


8/24/10
Steve: How does a kid take a bubble bath?
Harry: He eats beans for dinner.

8/23/10
Steve:Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
Harry: Because if they lifted both legs, they'd fall down.

8/23/10
Steve: As far as the science fair, if you are going to participate you have to bring a card table...then you have to choose a subject. For instance you may answer a question such as "Is the force of adhesion between glue and wood more or less than the force of cohesion in wood". Or perhaps you'll want to show how gears can be used to change the mechanical advantage and direction of a force. You have any questions?
Harry: Yes, I do...what's a card table?

8/22/10
Steve: A B-flat, a D-flat and an F walked into a bar. What did the bartender say?
Harry: Sorry, we don't serve minors here.


8/21/10
Steve: Why do scuba divers jump backwards into the water?
Harry: Because if they went forwards, they'd jump into the boat.

8/20/10
Steve: Why are boogers such difficult diners?
Harry: Because they're so picky.

8/19/10
Steve:Why did the math book go to the psychiatrist?
Harry: Because it had so many problems.

8/18/10
Steve:What did the apple say when it fell out of the tree?
Harry: I can talk!

8/17/10
Steve: Have you seen the movie "Constipated"?
Harry: No. It hasn't come out yet.

8/16/10
Steve: Did you hear about the cannibals who ate the missionary?
Harry: Sure. They finally got a taste of religion.

8/15/10
Steve: What did the mother say when her daughter asked for a canary for Xmas?
Harry: You'll have turkey like everyone else.

8/14/10
Steve: What do you call a servant who helps you in the bathroom?
Harry: A butler.

8/13/10
Steve: What does a dog do, that a man steps in?