(If you like these jokes and you want to buy two joke books that contain some of these and more visit Steve's "For Sale" page and look for "Kids' Kookiest Riddles" and "Mr. Potatohead's Upside Joke World".)

Steve and Harry have been recording and presenting on stage hundreds of jokes for what seems like hundreds of years.
But don't be fooled, these are serious artists, doing serious work, who are in serious trouble.

One more note; Steve performs for adults as well as kids and what's appropriate for one place may not be appropriate for another (believe me, Steve has learned that the hard way). For instance, Steve and Harry's school show is squeaky clean. Some of these jokes are a wee bit too strong for a school assembly and therefore are avoided.



Steve: Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
Harry: Because he was dead.

Steve: What do you get if you cross a fish with an elephant?
    Harry: Swimming trunks

Steve: Harry, Parlez-vous francais?
Harry: Huh?
Steve: Parlez-vous francais?
Harry: Huh?
Steve: Do you speak French!
Harry: Of course I do, why didn't you just say so!

Steve: What did the 0 say to the 8?
Harry: What's that on your head?

Steve: What did the 0 say to the 8?
Harry: Nice belt!

If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't go to yours.

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar AS a bookmark?

Who invented that brush they put near the toilet? Man, that thing hurts!

Steve: What did the blind man say when he was handed the matzoh?
Harry: Who wrote this garbage?

Steve: What did the blind man say when he was handed the cheese grater?
Harry: Most violent book I ever read.

Steve: What's green and sings?
Harry: Frank Snotra

Steve: Which month has 28 days in it?
Harry: They all do!

Steve: Why did they bury George Washington at Mount Vernon?
Harry: Because he was dead.

On top of Old Smokey
All covered with hair
Of course I'm referring
To Smokey the Bear

Steve: Why do Firemen have Dalmations?
Harry: To find the hydrants.

Steve: If the woodsman brings you a cord of wood one week and a cord of wood the second week how many do you have?
Harry: One and a half cords.
Steve: Harry, that's not right.
Harry: I know it isn't. But most of them do it anyway.

Steve: What did the guy say when he ordered the turtle soup?
Harry: Make it snappy!

Harry: The meanest animal in the world is the two headed platypus. It has a head on one end and a head on the other.
Steve: If it has a head on one end and a head on the other, how does it go to the bathroom?
Harry: It doesn't. That's why it's so mean!

Harry: Soap, Soap, Soap, Soap!
Steve: What are you doing?
Harry: I'm just singing a few bars.

Steve: What do you call a something with ten legs, two heads and two noses?
Harry: Ugly!

Steve: What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
Harry: An elephant with diarrhea.

A palindrome reads the same forwards as backwards. This is the coolest one I know besides "Yo Banana Boy!"

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel and Ellen sinned.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Steve: If a chord of wood is selling for 100 dollars and you give the woodman 200 dollars how many chords would he deliver?
Harry: One and a half.
Steve: That's not right.
Harry: I know. But most of them do it that way, anyway.

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but when asking where the bathroom is they don't point to their pants?

Steve: If I gave you two apples, four bananas and three peaches what would you have?
Harry: A stomachache!

Steve: What did the zero say to the eight?
Harry: What's that on your head?

Steve: How does a kid take a bubble bath?
Harry: He eats beans for dinner.

Steve:Why do flamingos stand on one leg?
Harry: Because if they lifted both legs, they'd fall down.

Steve: As far as the science fair, if you are going to participate you have to bring a card table...then you have to choose a subject. For instance you may answer a question such as "Is the force of adhesion between glue and wood more or less than the force of cohesion in wood". Or perhaps you'll want to show how gears can be used to change the mechanical advantage and direction of a force. You have any questions?
Harry: Yes, I do...what's a card table?

Steve: A B-flat, a D-flat and an F walked into a bar. What did the bartender say?
Harry: Sorry, we don't serve minors here.

Steve: Why do scuba divers jump backwards into the water?
Harry: Because if they went forwards, they'd jump into the boat.

Steve: Why are boogers such difficult diners?
Harry: Because they're so picky.

Steve:Why did the math book go to the psychiatrist?
Harry: Because it had so many problems.

Steve:What did the apple say when it fell out of the tree?
Harry: I can talk!

Steve: Have you seen the movie "Constipated"?
Harry: No. It hasn't come out yet.

Steve: Did you hear about the cannibals who ate the missionary?
Harry: Sure. They finally got a taste of religion.

Steve: What did the mother say when her daughter asked for a canary for Xmas?
Harry: You'll have turkey like everyone else.

Steve: What do you call a servant who helps you in the bathroom?
Harry: A butler.

Steve: What does a dog do, that a man steps in?
Harry: Pants.

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