You
can
also
visit
Steve's
"Joke of the Day"
for more laughs Here
are
7
original
scripts
of
routines
that
Steve
and
Harry do in their
stage show.
They
include
"Knock-Knock", "Baseball and Pancakes", "The Pledge of Allegiance", "Dirty Shirt", "To the
Moon", "Palmistry" and "Good
Bad"
Knock Knock Steve: Knock, Knock Harry: Come in! Steve: Who's there?! Harry: What are you asking me for? Steve: You're supposed to say "Who's there?" Knock, knock...knock, knock...knock, knock! Harry: I can't hear you I'm in the bathroom. Use the doorbell. Steve: I didn't know we had a doorbell. Okay. Ding Dong. Harry: Did you say "King Kong?" "Hong Kong?" "Ping Pong?" Steve: Ding Dong! Harry: Yea, you are a Ding Dong. Steve: Will you just do the joke! Knock, knock. Harry: Who's there? Steve: At last! Harry: At last who? Steve: At last that you said who's there. Come on, just do the joke. Knock, knock. Harry: Who's there? Steve: Banana. Harry: Banana, my old buddy Banana. I haven't seen him in two years. Come on in, Banana! Steve: Will you just say Banana who! Harry: But I know who it is. We went to school together. Steve: Just say "Banana who?" Harry: ...Banana who? Steve: Knock, knock. Harry: Who's there? Steve: Banana. Harry: Banana who? Steve: Knock, knock. Harry: Who's there? Steve: Orange. Harry: Who's Orange? Steve: Orange you glad I didn't say Banana? Harry: No, I'm not I wanted to talk to Banana (starts crying). Baseball and Pancakes
Steve: Now the first thing to know about baseball is the batter. Harry: Oh boy, pancake batter. I love pancakes. Steve: No, not that kind of batter. This batter stands in front of the pitcher. You know what the pitcher is for? Harry: Sure you put the pancake batter in the pitcher. Steve: No, no. The batter stands in front of the plate. You know what the plate is? Harry: Sure, when the pancakes are done, you put them on the plate. Steve: Stop talking about pancakes! Harry: You're talking about pancakes! Steve: Look the batter hits the ball then he starts running. Harry: Ooh, if the batter starts running, you'll need a sponge to wipe it off the stove. Steve: He's running around the bases, he's trying to get a run so if his team is losing, he'll catch up. Harry: Ketchup! I love pancakes with ketchup! The Pledge of Allegiance
Steve: I'm going to teach you the Pledge of Allegiance. Now the first line is "I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag..." Harry: I led the pigeons to the flag? Steve: No, no. I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America. Harry: The united snakes of America? Steve: States of America! And to the Republic for which it stands... Harry: For Richard Stands? Who's Richard Stands? Steve: Not Richard Stands, which it stands. One nation indivisible... Harry: One naked individual? You mean Richard Stands has no clothes on? Steve: Indivisible! Harry: Invisible? I hope he's invisible if he has no clothes on. Steve: Under god, with liberty and justice for all. Harry: Can we do the National Anthem? Steve: Sure, you mean the Star Spangled Banner. Harry: The star strangled banana? Steve: Oh boy. Harry: Knock, knock. Steve: Who's there? Harry: O'Shea. Steve: O'Shea who? Harry: O' Shea can you see!
Steve: Your shirt’s dirty.
Why don’t you change it? Harry: All my shirts
are dirty. Steve: What about your
T-shirt? Steve: How about your sweat shirt. Harry: It’s got sweat on it. Steve: Why don't you wear your dinner jacket? Harry: It’s got dinner on it. Steve: What about that shirt with the spaghetti straps Harry: It’s got spaghetti on it. Steve: You could put on your pea jacket Harry: ...It’s got pee on it. Steve: What about your pullover? Harry: Hey, no one’s going to pull anything over on me! Steve: You could wear your dress shirt.Harry: Hey, no one’s gonna make me wear a dress. Steve: A dress…shirt. Harry: Wow. A dress that looks like a shirt. Weird. Steve: How about your turtle neck? Harry: It’s stretched now it’s a giraffe neck. Steve: Your V neck? Harry: That stretched too, now it’s a U neck. Steve: How about that new jersey I bought you. Harry: New
Jersey..now that’s a big shirt!
Steve:
Harry,
I'm
going
to
send
you
to
the
moon! Steve:
What
if
it
falls
on
the
left?
Palmistry
Steve: Harry's been getting into palmistry lately. Palmistry is when you read the lines of someone's hand and it tells you all about their future and their past and what they should be doing with their life. Can you read my hand, Harry? For instance, what's that line that goes from left to right? Harry: That's your heart line. Steve: And what's that line that goes up and down? Harry: That's your life line. Steve: And what's that line that loops from one finger to the other? Harry: That's your clothesline. Steve: How can you tell it's my clothesline? Harry: It has dirty laundry on it. Steve: What's that line that goes all the way up. Harry: Ah, that's the United States coastal line. Then it loops around into the Great Lakes. Steve: There are no Great Lakes. What are you talking about? Do you see any water? Harry: Oh (spits into Steve's hand) Steve: Now my hold hand it wet! Harry: Well, the Great Lakes flooded. Steve: I was told that the shape of the hand should tell you what you should do with your life. For instance, looking at my hand, what should I be doing? Harry: According to my calculations, we should be trading places. Steve: Are you saying I should be a dummy? Harry: I'm saying you are a dummy. Steve: I'm a dummy for having this conversation with you! Now each finger has a function. For instance what's the thumb for? Harry: Hitchhiking. Steve: What about the next finger? Harry: That's for pointing. Steve: And the third finger? Harry: That's your longest finger. Steve: And the next one? Harry: That's for rings. Steve: And what's the pinky for? Harry: I never did figure that one out. Steve: Neither have I (picks his nose with that finger) Harry: CUT THAT OUT!
Harry:
A
man
was
flying
in
an
jet.
Steve:
That’s
good. Harry:
He
fell
out. Steve:
That's
bad. Harry:
He
had
a
parachute. Steve: That's good. Harry:
It
didn't
work. Steve:
That's
bad. Harry:
There
was
a
haystack
on
the
ground. Steve:
That's
good. Harry:
There
was
a
long
pitchfork
sticking
out
of
the
haystack. Steve:
That's
bad. Harry:
He
didn’t
land
on
the
pitchfork. Steve:
That's
good. Harry:
He
didn’t
land
on
the
haystack. Steve:
That's
bad. Harry:
And
he
was
lying
there dying. Steve:
...That's
very
bad. Harry:
Then
a
hunter
saw
the
lion. Steve:
Wait
a
second,
it's
getting
worse. Harry:
And
then
the
lion
ate
the
hunter. Steve:
Where's
the
good
part?
Harry:
I'm
getting
to
it.The
lion
never
had
such
a
tasty
dinner in his whole life. Steve: ..umm, I guess that's good. Harry:
Sure
it
is.
But
then
a
hunter
saw
the
lion and chased him. Steve:
That's
bad. Harry: But then the lion jumped on the hunter. Steve:
That's
good. Harry: But the lion escaped.
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