You can also visit Steve's "Joke of the Day" for more laughs
           harryroutines  
Here are 7 original scripts of routines that Steve and Harry do in their stage show.


Knock Knock


Steve: Knock, Knock
Harry: Come in!
Steve: Who's there?!
Harry: What are you asking me for?
Steve: You're supposed to say "Who's there?" Knock, knock...knock, knock...knock, knock!
Harry: I can't hear you I'm in the bathroom. Use the doorbell.
Steve: I didn't know we had a doorbell. Okay. Ding Dong.
Harry: Did you say "King Kong?" "Hong Kong?" "Ping Pong?"
Steve: Ding Dong!
Harry: Yea, you are a Ding Dong.
Steve: Will you just do the joke! Knock, knock.
Harry: Who's there?
Steve: At last!
Harry: At last who?
Steve: At last that you said who's there. Come on, just do the joke. Knock, knock.
Harry: Who's there?
Steve: Banana.
Harry: Banana, my old buddy Banana. I haven't seen him in two years. Come on in, Banana!
Steve: Will you just say Banana who!
Harry: But I know who it is. We went to school together.
Steve: Just say "Banana who?"
Harry: ...Banana who?
Steve: Knock, knock.
Harry: Who's there?
Steve: Banana.
Harry: Banana who?
Steve: Knock, knock.
Harry: Who's there?
Steve: Orange.
Harry: Who's Orange?
Steve: Orange you glad I didn't say Banana?
Harry: No, I'm not I wanted to talk to Banana (starts crying).


Baseball and Pancakes

Steve: Now the first thing to know about baseball is the batter.
Harry: Oh boy, pancake batter. I love pancakes.
Steve: No, not that kind of batter. This batter stands in front of the pitcher. You know what the pitcher is for?
Harry: Sure you put the pancake batter in the pitcher.
Steve: No, no. The batter stands in front of the plate. You know what the plate is?
Harry: Sure, when the pancakes are done, you put them on the plate.
Steve: Stop talking about pancakes!
Harry: You're talking about pancakes!
Steve: Look the batter hits the ball then he starts running.
Harry: Ooh, if the batter starts running, you'll need a sponge to wipe it off the stove.
Steve: He's running around the bases, he's trying to get a run so if his team is losing, he'll catch up.
Harry: Ketchup! I love pancakes with ketchup!

The Pledge of Allegiance

Steve: I'm going to teach you the Pledge of Allegiance. Now the first line is "I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag..."
Harry: I led the pigeons to the flag?
Steve: No, no. I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America.
Harry: The united snakes of America?
Steve: States of America! And to the Republic for which it stands...
Harry: For Richard Stands? Who's Richard Stands?
Steve: Not Richard Stands, which it stands. One nation indivisible...
Harry: One naked individual? You mean Richard Stands has no clothes on?
Steve: Indivisible!
Harry: Invisible? I hope he's invisible if he has no clothes on.
Steve: Under god, with liberty and justice for all.
Harry: Can we do the National Anthem?
Steve: Sure, you mean the Star Spangled Banner.
Harry: The star strangled banana?
Steve: Oh boy.
Harry: Knock, knock.
Steve: Who's there?
Harry: O'Shea.
Steve: O'Shea who?
Harry: O' Shea can you see!



Dirty Shirt

Steve: Your shirt’s dirty. Why don’t you change it?

Harry: All my shirts are dirty.

Steve: What about your T-shirt?

Harry: It’s got tea on it.

Steve: How about your sweat shirt.

Harry: It’s got sweat on it.

Steve: Why don't you wear your dinner jacket?

Harry: It’s got dinner on it.

Steve: What about that shirt with the spaghetti straps

Harry: It’s got spaghetti on it.

Steve: You could put on your pea jacket

Harry: ...It’s got pee on it.

Steve: What about your pullover?

Harry:  Hey, no one’s going to pull anything over on me!

Steve: You could wear your dress shirt.

Harry: Hey, no one’s gonna make me wear a dress.

Steve: A dress…shirt.

Harry: Wow. A dress that looks like a shirt. Weird.

Steve: How about your turtle neck?

Harry: It’s stretched now it’s a giraffe neck.

Steve: Your V neck?

Harry: That stretched too, now it’s a U neck.

Steve: How about that new jersey I bought you.

Harry: New Jersey..now that’s a big shirt!


To the Moon


Steve: Harry, I'm going to send you to the moon!
Harry: I'd rather go to the sun.
Steve: If you go to the sun, you'll burn up.
Harry: Not me, I'm going at night.
Steve: Why don't you go the other way. Towards Mars.
Harry: I wanna go towards Pa's
Steve: How about right to the asteroid belt. You know what the asteroid belt is for, don't you?
Harry: Yea, it holds Neptune's pants up.
Steve: Neptune doesn't have pants. It's a planet named after the God of the Ocean.
Harry: Okay, it hold's Neptune's bathing suit up.
Steve: Neptune doesn't have a bathing suit. There's no water out in space.
Harry: Sure there is, didn't you ever hear of a meteor shower.
Steve: Do you know how the term "meteor" got its name?
Harry: Sure, a meteor is like a giant meatball on fire, only it's...meatier!
Steve: Do you know how the term "meteorite" got its name?
Harry: Sure, if it falls on the right you yell "METEORIGHT!".

Steve: What if it falls on the left?
Harry: Then you yell "METEORLEFT!"
Steve: What if it falls right in the middle?
Harry: Then you yell....AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Palmistry

Steve: Harry's been getting into palmistry lately. Palmistry is when you read the lines of someone's hand and it tells you all about their future and their past and what they should be doing with their life. Can you read my hand, Harry? For instance, what's that line that goes from left to right?
Harry: That's your heart line.
Steve: And what's that line that goes up and down?
Harry: That's your life line.
Steve: And what's that line that loops from one finger to the other?
Harry: That's your clothesline.
Steve: How can you tell it's my clothesline?
Harry: It has dirty laundry on it.
Steve: What's that line that goes all the way up.
Harry: Ah, that's the United States coastal line. Then it loops around into the Great Lakes.
Steve: There are no Great Lakes. What are you talking about? Do you see any water?
Harry: Oh (spits into Steve's hand)
Steve: Now my hold hand it wet!
Harry: Well, the Great Lakes flooded.
Steve: I was told that the shape of the hand should tell you what you should do with your life. For instance,
looking at my hand, what should I be doing?
Harry: According to my calculations, we should be trading places.
Steve: Are you saying I should be a dummy?
Harry: I'm saying you are a dummy.
Steve: I'm a dummy for having this conversation with you! Now each finger has a function. For instance what's the thumb for?
Harry: Hitchhiking.
Steve: What about the next finger?
Harry: That's for pointing.
Steve: And the third finger?
Harry: That's your longest finger.
Steve: And the next one?
Harry: That's for rings.
Steve: And what's the pinky for?
Harry: I never did figure that one out.
Steve:  Neither have I
(picks his nose with that finger)
Harry: CUT THAT OUT!


Good Bad

Harry: A man was flying in an jet.

Steve: That’s good.

Harry: He fell out.

Steve: That's bad.

Harry: He had a parachute.

Steve: That's good.

Harry: It didn't work.

Steve: That's bad.

Harry: There was a haystack on the ground.

Steve: That's good.

Harry: There was a long pitchfork sticking out of the haystack.

Steve: That's bad.

Harry: He didn’t land on the pitchfork.

Steve: That's good.

Harry: He didn’t land on the haystack.

Steve: That's bad.  

Harry: And he was lying there  dying.

Steve: ...That's very bad.

Harry: Then a hunter saw the lion.

Steve: Wait a second, it's getting worse.

Harry: And then the lion ate the hunter.

Steve: Where's the good part?

Harry: I'm getting to it.The lion never had such a tasty dinner in his whole life.

Steve: ..umm, I guess that's good.

Harry: Sure it is. But then a hunter saw the lion and chased him.

Steve: That's bad.  

Harry: But then the lion jumped on the hunter.
Steve: Wait a second, I don't know who I'm supposed to be rooting for!
Harry: Well life is like that sometimes, Steve, it's not always so black and white. Now are you with the lion
or against him?
Steve: I guess I'm with the lion.
Harry: Okay, the hunter got away but came back and trapped the lion.
Steve: That's bad.
Harry: But he didn't kill the lion.

Steve: That's good.
Harry: He took him to the zoo.
Steve: That's bad.

Harry: But the lion escaped.
Steve: That's good.
Harry: And he killed dozens of innocent victims.
Steve: That's....now HOLD ON! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!

 

 

 


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