You can also visit Steve's "Joke of the Day" for more laughs


(If you like these jokes and you want to buy two joke books that contain some of these and more visit Steve's "For Sale" page and look for "Kids' Kookiest Riddles" and "Mr. Potatohead's Upside Joke World".)

Steve and Harry have been recording and presenting on stage hundreds of jokes for what seems like hundreds of years.
But don't be fooled, these are serious artists, doing serious work, who are in serious trouble.

One more note; Steve performs for adults as well as kids and what's appropriate for one place may not be appropriate for another (believe me, Steve has learned that the hard way). For instance, Steve and Harry's school show is squeaky clean. Some of these jokes are a wee bit too strong for a school assembly and therefore are avoided.

Now, here are some of their favorites:


Steve: If you put your hand in one pocket and take out 28 dollars and
            you  put your hand in the other pocket and take out 36 dollars
            what  do you have?
Harry: Someone else's pants!

Steve: If I have 6 oranges in one hand and I have 8 oranges in the 
            other hand, what do I have?
Harry: Big Hands!

Steve: If I had 300 dollars and I gave you half. What would you have?
Harry:  Heart Failure!

Steve: What's 2 and 4 and 38 and 67?
Harry: CBS, NBC, Nickelodeon and the Cartoon Network.

Steve: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Harry:   Because it was dead.

Steve: Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
HarryBecause it was glued to the first monkey

Steve: Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
HarryHe saw the other two and he  thought it was a game.

Steve: Why did the tree fall down?
Harry: It thought it was a monkey.

Steve: What do you call a man with a bus on his head?
Harry: Dead.

Steve: What happens if your arms falls off?
Harry: You can't pick them up.

Steve: What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
Harry:  Dam!

Steve: The Spanish fireman named his first kid Jose, what did he 
            name his second kid?
Harry:  Hose B!

Steve: Who was Mark Twain�s bigger brother?
Harry: Choo-choo Twain.

Steve: When does a policeman smell?
Harry: When he's on doody!

Steve: Why do they call the airplanes Boeing 747's?
Harry: That�s the sound they make when they land..Boinnng!

Steve: What did the chicken say when it laid a square egg?
Harry: Ouch!

Steve: What did the 0 say to the 8?
Harry: Nice belt.

Steve: What did the dyslexic rabbi say?
Harry: Yo!

Steve: If your hair is falling out what can you use to keep it in?
Harry: A shoebox

Steve: Should a  woman have babies after 35?
Harry:   No, 35 babies is enough for any woman.

Steve: A guy rushes into a doctor�s office with a celery stalk in one ear, 
            a cherry tomato in his nose and a brussel sprout in his eye.
            What does the doctor say?
Harry:  You're not eating right!

Steve: A guy rushes  into a doctor�s office and says I�m shrinking,
            I'm shrinking. What does the doctor say?
Harry: You�ll have to be a little patient.

Steve: The invisible man rushes into the doctor�s office. What does 
            the doctor say?
Harry:  I can�t see you now!

Steve: What would it be called if A&P and Stop N' Shop merged?
Harry: Stop N' Pee.

Steve : What�s a one-eyed deer called?
Harry:  No ideer.

Steve: What's a dead one-eyed deer called?
Harry: Still no ideer.

Steve: What do you say to a one legged hitchhiker?
Harry:   Hop in.

Steve:  What would you say if the Statue of Liberty sneezed?
Harry:  God Bless..America!

Steve:  What�s the difference between brussel sprouts and boogers?
Harry:    Kids won't eat brussel sprouts!

Steve: How do you know when a turkey is done?
Harry:  He flushes the toilet!

Steve: Why did the blind man have a yellow leg?
Harry:  His dog was blind too!

Steve: What happens if you sleep with your head under the pillow?
Harry:  The toothfairy comes and takes all your teeth away.

Steve: How would you divide 4 apples among three children?
Harry:  I'd make applesauce

Steve: How would you put 4 horses into 3 stalls?
Harry:  I'd make horseradish

Steve:  How would you put 15 children into a room 3 feet by 4 feet 
            divided by the square root of 67?
Harry:   ....I'd make applesauce

Steve : What does zero mean to you?
Harry : Nothing.

Steve: If a boy is a lad and he has a stepfather, what does that make him?
Harry:  A step-ladder.

Steve: What does a ballerina with only one leg wear?
Harry:  A one-one.

Steve:How do you know when a turkey is done?
Harry: He flushes the toilet

Steve:How do you keep from getting parking tickets?
Harry: Take the windshield wipers off your car.

Steve:Why did the ocean roar?
Harry: You'd roar too if you had crabs on your bottom.


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